Initial Thought Process

This term, I want to work on improving my drum sound and experiment with adding new sounds. I practiced for a concert I gave with my band before the summer, which is when I realized I should work more with music. This year we want to record an EP and my experimentation with the drum sound can work within our music.

Within my experimentation, I want to combine instrument with visual art. I’m aiming to create visuals for my drum set (possibly prints on fabric). In these visuals (and my sound) I want to work on the feeling of shame one feels about oneself. I want to create images that are transparent and exposing, in a way not hidden. I’m still not quite sure about what my next step is going to be physically, but in general I’m aiming to create a piece/sound etc. that will change my drum set. I will then see where that takes me.

The Instrument I made in an Hour

When I thought about the plan that I made at the start of this week, I realized that I’m overcomplicating my ideas. To reflect the feeling of shame that I want to put out through sound/visuals (that also relates to my drumming) I asked myself the questions:

“How can shame make a ‘nice sound’?”
“What is personally hard for me in playing the drums?”
“Do I have enough experiences to ‘experimentally develop’ my drumming?”
“Why focus on ‘making the best’ while I can address the feeling rather than hide it?”

After these questions, as a first step, I decided to make an anti-perfection instrument that would reflect the “I’m going to make a mistake” state of playing an instrument. The existence of this thought is what disrupts the relationship with the human and instrument. I want to give birth to a thing I call “creature of a feeling”.

To have a started, I collected materials that I think might help me.

More Thoughts

I sketched how I wanted my instrument to look. The idea that I had was to create a structure that would visually reflect my idea while also functioning as an instrument that would create "click" sounds like a metronome.

Looking At the Relation that I have with the drums

I asked my sister to take photos of me while I'm concentrated on drumming. The reason for that was to capture what I looked like that in that state of concentration. How I look from outside has always been an issue for me while publicly doing something in front of people. For a year, I didn't even play in front of anybody until I was not shy to do it anymore. I thought that I should start from the basic approach to find out what the end production will be.

I don't know how doing this contributes to my exploration but I believe that publicity/performance is a big aspect of producing sound if the artist doesn't anonymously put out their music.

Sketch for the Anti-Perfection Instrument

I'm planning to use a drum stick to create the sound.

The drum stick will create a sound through the sides of the structure.

The progress of the instrument

Group Feedback, 11.09.23

More Ideas on how to continue

I rented a camera from school to make tryouts with recording drums. I have never professionally recorded drums before therefore, I'll try my best to make it work.

In the feedback sessions, while talking to Mariana she told me that making cow bells in the metal station would be easy (material wise). I'm still thinking of a specific approach that I should focus on. Maybe a video would be an ideal way.

Playing with the Band

My band plays a huge role in the relationship that I have with music now and I want to focus improving my drumming in relation to playing with them. We want to release an EP at the end of October. We practice every Sunday. This is a short video that I edited from the clips that I had of our last practice.

Singer: Emma Brittmann
Bassist: Maria Ruszczak
Guitarist: Dovydas Raudonas

Filming Myself While Drumming

Music Inspirations (spesifically for drums)

#1: drumming for 20 minutes (i was distracted)

#2 : drumming for an hour

# 3: drumming for 30 minutes

My goal by taking theese videos was to concentrate on drumming and just letting go for a long amount of time. It didn't go as planned since I was distracted (I maybe didn't force myself enough) and still not being able to go on for hours. I think I 'll do more tires because watching the recording afterwards is very helpful for me to hear what I actually sound like while playing. It is definetly not what I hear while playing

Throughout doing theese small experiment and from talking to my group members about my process, I started to form another idea that I can focus on.

# 4: drumming closed eyes, 47 minutes

(2) Textifying Sound

Fake Indentities

For my project, I want to give people “fake identities” and to make it obvious I will present it with exaggerated explanations possibly in the format of an ironic written resume. I want to capture myself, my sister, my housemate and some friends that I kind of decided in my mind.

I will also think about what they would carry, own, wear etc. I still don’t know how exactly I'll put it together but I want to experiment with text/photography.

First Subject: Aral (my sister) - 1st Week 6-12 nov

OPEN ATELIER

Second Week 13-19 nov

This week I couldn't work much. I still took notes for my mind map and continuied with my readings. I started a big drawing of my forced smile. It made sense to me to go to the basics while questioning fakeness. The drawing is around 100x70 cm (approximately), which I have never tried before. Usually when I draw it is always to use small details on a small medium. This time i am trying a very "clear" (speaks for itself) image on big paper.

Third Week 20-26 nov

Thoughts on my progress

I think that this photoshoot that I did with Aral was a good starting step since i get to understand how working with a person and controlling what they will do for me is. At the end, I don't think that the photoa turned out to be that effective according to me because they are not as absurd as I wanted them to be. I should focus more on absurdity/contrast rather than trying to create something that they are not out of a person because to an observer that has no idea the point of me taking theese photos won't be obvious. After learning that our presentation is going to be at worm, this fact was more clear for me.

Fourth Week 27nov-3 December

Focusing on a detail of a big body or existing is interesting to me. We might not realize how fake the smile is with the body but the obvious nature of it is so apparent when the image is cropped to solely thje mouth.

Second Subject- Laura

Some notes that I took untill now ( to visualize my thought process in general):

I decided to work on my typography again but in relation to how i would visualize sound as text. For a few days I went to the studio sat in front of this work and listened to non-language sounds that I hear around me and wrote them down. I tried to give the feeling to the lettering. I thought that in the future it could be in the form of a dictonary or evolve into a more directed work.

Specifically, this session was interesting for me since I had to hit the correct parts of the drumset without seeing. I tries to feel the distance and memorize the length of the motion that I had to do for each part. It was also easier to focus on the sound.

I was searching for people that gave performances using the drumset in a non-traditional way. After a few searches, I stumbled upon this video of Ryosuke Kiyasu which really facscinated me. The reactions of the crowd, the unbotherdness of him and the way that we interacts with the snare drum as it was an unkown object is really interesting to me.

For the mid term presentation, I wanted to have Roberto, a person that doesn't have any experience with drums, to perform for the audience. When I look back onto it, it could have been better if I didn't cover his eyes or guidied him in a way that would make him less uncomfortable. I could have also played the drums but I also really enjoyed to see another person than me at front.

Writing notes is my way of working. Before starting any type of creative process I write. Rather than having it in written in my notebook, I wanted to put it up to a place where I would see everyday.

Third Subject- Lalin (my cousin)

I have been very lost in what I want to do and where I am going with the work that I did from the term started untill know. I am still confused about what I want to focus in my practice, what I'm going for etc. I decided to be very open/accepting of this confusion to be able to continue trying my best.

For the Open Atelier my goal started as working on creating fake identities but the lack of affect in the photos made me question a lot. For the next step, a conversation that I had with my mum gave me inspiration. She told me about interesting practices/beliefs of Turkish people (especially the elderly).

- How they wet a piece of paper and put it on top of the eye lid if someones eye is twitching, thinking that it'll pass
-How they make a cone out of paper, put one end to the ear and burn the other end for ear ache

These kind of absurd beliefes inspired me to try weirder settings with people that I take photos with.

One of the most apparent Turkish belief/saying that I remember from my experience is "Don't sit/step on cold stone you won't have children". I couldn't exactly grasp whay that was the first example that came into my mind but I wanted to do something with it. Another reason for me to choose the rock methaphor is that I worked a bit on rocks/stones last year so I found it relevant.

When I was first talking about wanting to take photos with people Laura volunteered to help me. If I would do this shoot again I would definetly use a more vibrant color for the rope and do it in a quiter background (if i had the chance). Maybe it could have been better for me to sculpt the rock that I was going to use out of ceramics to have more options in the sense of the setting. I still don't know where I can go with theese photos but I enjoyed it.

These photos that I took with my cousin happenned very spontaneously. I didn't have a concept in mind as I had for Laura but I decided to try three things that came into my mind in the moment. For the first shoot we decided to use the bottles in the house as we had so much of them and the living room was relatively empty without the bottles at that point. The second photo I selected was compleletly unplanned since my sister decided to pick a Cola out of the fridge at the exact time we were doing this.

As I said before, for the photos with Aral I thought they lacked uncomfortableness and absurdity of the action. 2 days before we took these photos with my cousin for a video of his art a guy that I just met wanted me to spit on his hand. I thought about using the spit also for my cousin thinking that it'll be a "less usual" act to make her do.

For the other photos I just tried to cover her shirt with adheasive plastic foil but it didn't work as how I thought it would be. Still with more contrast I think it could be visually more interesting.

Overall, this week I just experimented with photos and tried to take more control in the action that I made the subject do.

Finally finding how to connect everything together and what I want to do:

This week, Arnas asked me to write a story for his project about my portal experience. He gave me very minimal instuctions. I combined 3 stories without using any indication of time, writing in English and Turkish combined.

The sky is clear. I don’t know why I am walking around the neighborhood at this time. Belki de okuldan geliyorum.

(pause)

Bacaklar, farklı farklı ayakkabılar, mahallemin arnavut kaldırımları. I see the gravel pavement, my shoes and the others walking through the street as I am getting closer to my apartment. I know I already passed the hairdresser and the playground. Yaklaşıyor muşçasına…

The thoughts that I have in my mind scare me. Am I going to have a life of changes, years that are going to be sacrificed? I have to live like this forever. Ya gerçekten transsam? Gerçek mi bu ihtimal? Kabul etmek lazım çünkü ben gerçekten transım. Cinsiyet portalının ta kendisiyim bir açıdan.


KORKMA


KORKMA


KORK-

MA.

(pause)

I am out of the neighborhood. I got the rest that I needed. Bol bol gökkuşağı. Today is the pride parade. My mom forbids me to go because it is going to be a bit risky I guess. No one knows what to expect. Police of course but I don’t know what to expect. I really don’t know. İstiklal’e ulaşan her yol sıkıca kapatılmış, tek yol Nişantaşı gözüktü.



Bayraklarımı sallaya sallaya gidiyorum. SALLAYA SALLAYAAA!!!!!! The reality was that us non-activists hid our flags until we were in so that we wouldn’t get stopped. It is exciting for me. I don't know what to expect. Düşüncelerimden daha emindim, artık kendimden eminim. Annem de biliyor. I separted with my cousin because she didn’t want to go into the actual crowd. She wants to see her friends who were somewhere here. I found other people I know. I got separated from them as well. I was in the crowd and scared to walk as I saw more police than protestors. I looked to my left. Ve konuşmaya başladım. “Çok korkuyorum bizi gazlarlar mı sence? “ She looked at me and said; “Are you alone? Aren’t you with a friend group?” I told her that I lost both of my groups. I acted without patience. She told me that I can stand with her group. I got short interactions of everyone as clear as it could be in all that chaos. I told them my name. Benden hepsi yaklaşık 6-7 yaş büyüklerdi. Şaşırdılar. We passed the road that I was scared to walk into. Still… nothing happened.

(pause)

KORKMA

KORKMA….

We are now walking through the main group after all the efforts of finding them and uniting. “Korkma, haykır, eşcinseller vardır!” “İbneler, özgür olsa! Dünnnya yerinden oynarr!” Slogans that are engraved in my mind are shouted. I also started raising my voice.


“Nerdesin aşkım?”


“Burdayım aşkım!!!”

(pause)



As we walked through the street I was satisfied because for the first time I was shouting for something that I believed and had to live in. A lot of smiles around me. I sensed panic. It came in waves, affecting everybody as it traveled from behind to myself to others in the front. I heard someone, or multiple people, shouting “run” “the police is coming”

I knew this was going to happen but I wasn’t expecting it to be at this exact moment. I couldn’t believe the help that I got from strangers. Everybody started to run for their safety. We were walking for the rights of all, in solidarity. But… at this exact moment everybody is running for themselves, pushing each other, trying to go into shops, cafes, restaurants that opened their doors for us. It was all in seconds. How it can change is fascinating.

Tüyler ürpertici

(pause)

I know that it is going to be difficult. My family, my body and past relationships. It is going to evolve in the eyes ofothers. it did already change inside me. I realized that it is coming out but it is not in my control. I have to go through it. I had enough of this chaos. People went out and continued to walk. The crowd split as sheeps split by the prey. I wanted to go find my cousin. She was the only proof of existential reality from “the before”. I called her and listened to her portal. She also experienced it. Through police and the protestors scattered everywhere we found our way. I know why I am walking around the neighborhood at his time. I need to go home. I see my shoes, her shoes (my cousins). I don’t know why. I tilted my head to look straight ahead as I passed the hairdresser, then the park. I don’t know why but I finally lifted my head. The apartments have an end, there is a sky. More floors, more lives and bigger than I have ever seen. It feels the difference of my being. The portal is seeing more, realizing, coming in terms with what happened and what is going to happen.

“Geldiniz mi?”



KORKMa.

Some Notes:

As how I thought before in my initial plan, I will make fake CV's for the people that I photographed. I will present them on a fake promotion desk. There are still undecided aspects for me but I'll see how it goes by trying it out.

I plan that everyone will be able to take the "fake CV's" because I want people to enage with it as if it was a real promotion.

Fifth Week (4-10 Dec)

11-13 December